Rambling

I'm not sure this post will have a theme. I think it is more of an update. I left my job of nine years today to start on a new venture that I am very excited about. I'm going to be a foster mother and actually get paid to be a stay at home mom. I've wanted to do it for years, but never thought I could afford to do it and take care of the children the way I would want to. But I found a program that is perfect for me.
It will also allow me to continue studying French, and actually take a few classes in the classroom at DePaul. Been itching to do that for a while now. I would like to actually finish my degree in the classroom.

I know everyone has seen my pastor on the news, Fr. Pfleger. It has been a pretty surreal experience for me, being a part of the world "news", if you want to call it that. I keep hearing from people that he needs to stay out of politics, but the funny thing is I seem to recall that the past two elections were pretty much decided by the religious right. And the list of Republican endorsements from "preachers" begins with Pat Robertson, Dr. James Dobson, John Hagee and Rod Parsley, but certainly doesn't end there. Talk about the bizarro committee. All of them have made statements just as hard to comprehend as Jeremiah Wright and Fr. Pfleger - or even more so in my book. But for some strange reason they were spared the relentless media loop of Youtube. Kind of makes you wonder why the words of preachers rather than the candidates is such a focus this go round . . .

NOW

Aren’t you glad Sarah laughed? I am. It makes me feel a whole lot better some times. In fact not only did she laugh, she then turned around and lied about it. But it didn’t stop the promise. I love her response – Now? Now you want to bless me? Now you want to give me what I have been longing for, aching for, and dying for, for so many years – so long that I had given up hope of ever seeing it – Now? Now that I am as good as dead, have been given away by my husband twice, watched him have a child with another woman in front of my eyes, NOW you want to bless me with the promise?

I think I understand how she feels. I mean have you ever wanted to ask God if He is out of His mind or what on earth He is thinking? You hope and yearn and believe Him for something and at first you are really strong and confident about it, but then time wears on, and trials begin to hit, and hit …and hit. You look to the horizon for the promise but to your horror it looks even farther away than it did at the beginning. People begin to speak over you to give up, it will never happen. They remind you of all the ways you have messed up, all of your failures and everything you’re not, how you didn’t have the right attitude all of the time, the things you said wrong, the people you pissed off, and how in general you might as well consider it “game over”. Your confidence wanes, your grip loosens on what you were holding onto so strongly. Maybe you do like Abraham and Sarah and take matters into your own hands and end up bearing an Ishmael. In fact you look around you and you have to admit, it would have been difficult to make a bigger mess of things. You get depressed, and can even get to the place to where, like Sarah, you have given up entirely. You tell yourself you don’t even care anymore and almost believe you.

And then God sends an angel into your life and says NOW!

Two Questions

I've had a couple of things on my mind lately.

First of all I have been pondering the following question. In the Garden of Gethsemane, do you ever wonder who was the last to fall asleep? I do. I wonder what it felt like to try to stay awake while one by one those around you dropped off. I wonder if the last one to sucumb did so just because everyone else had, or because maybe it was just too dang lonely to still be the only one awake all by themselves in such an ominous atmosphere. The Bible doesn't tell us who it was, but it does say that the people that Christ singled out and rebuked by name were leaders. I wonder if He knew it was their example that made it all the easier for others to give in? I wonder if the other disciples looked around and said to themselves, "Well, Peter is asleep. And John is snoring! It must be okay."

I also ask myself the question, "Is the measure of our faith how well we love our enemies?" Christ washed everyone's feet - even Judas', and if I know my Saviour, I would be willing to bet especially Judas'. I have to ask myself when was the last time I washed the feet of my enemy? And I'm not talking about making magnanimous gestures designed to demonstrate that we are the bigger person. Those lack sincerity and in the end are motivated by a desire to make the other person appear small and us superior. When was the last time I did something kind for someone who had hurt me - anonymously . . . How do I talk about them behind their back? What do I secretly wish for them and their lives? Do I pray for them - sincerely?

It kind of reminds me of an old song, Lord, I want to be a Christian in my heart.

In my heart.

Brooklyn's Bridge

There are moments in my life when God speaks to me in a way that is unmistakable. Its as if for a moment or two, the heavens part and I walk a bridge that passes directly to my master's heart. Though granted, those moments are rare, they are powerful and trans formative. Today was such a day.

I work at a school and have been substitute teaching for one of the nuns who had surgery. The children are very good and its been as close to a breeze as substitute teaching can be, but the days are a little long and I'm in school myself - so it has been tiring and a stretch. Unfortunately my prayer life has suffered. I'm used to getting up in the morning and puttering around and making my way to the church for at least a few moments of prayer and/or quiet before plunging into my day - but it just hasn't been happening while I sub.

As this assignment is more than a few days, I knew something had to give - so I vowed that I would at the very least pray while my car warms up and on the quick drive into work. This morning as I let the car heat up I started. I was interrupted. I was interrupted by what I can only describe as a voice yelling at me in my spirit. If you have never had God yell at you, you're in for an experience. He began to admonish me to walk with my head up, to never forget that I am the daughter of a great king and to carry myself like it. He told me to never walk with my head down again, ever. Well, I was truly surprised and thought to myself that I would get some kind of crown or ornament with a crown on it to place in my bedroom to meditate on what I had just heard and experienced. But then, remembering how much I dislike Christian paraphernalia I brushed the thought aside and but continued to think about what I just felt God had said to me.

I went to work and one of the children I work with, Brooklyn, walked up to me first thing in thing in the morning - and I kid you not, she said, " I brought this to school because I wanted you to see it." and pulled out a small pink velvet box in the shape of a crown and handed it to me. She then said, " Would you keep it on your desk for me?"

This weekend I will be shopping for one of my own.

Graffiti dans Paris

I took pictures for my sons of graffiti in Europe. I like this one because I thought it was particularly interesting, especially with the baguette lying in front of it on the ground.

Fifty years of doubt. Fifty years of questions. Fifty years of silence. Fifty years of felt absence.

And fifty years of absolute obedience . . .

My only question is how anyone could doubt her being deserving of sainthood.

C.S. Lewis Quote

"In the midst of a world of light and love, of song and feast and dance, [Lucifer] could find nothing to think of more interesting than his own prestige."

--A Preface to Paradise Lost

Dans Paris

I returned August third. Well to be more precise, my body arrived back in the U.S on that date. But for some reason internally I feel I am continually walking the streets of Paris, almost like Jacob Marley, the Ghost partner of Ebenezer Scrooge. Every time I close my eyes, there I am - walking and walking. Sometimes in Montmartre, sometimes in the Marais, some times round the backside of Notre Dame even. No matter where - the feeling is always the same restless wandering. What was I looking for? What am I looking for? I am at home and at work - but still walking in my spirit.

Tallinn, Estonia

Tallinn, Estonia was one of the most beautiful places that I visited this past summer. Estonia is the home of the singing revolution, which if you are unfamiliar with, I encourage you to look up in Wikipedia.

I went to 12 nations last summer, Tallinn was one of the most memorable places, and definitely warrants a return trip with my sons.

Pics from Giverny

Bon Voyage

Since I wasn't able to keep up with my blog while traveling I thought I would post some excerpts from the emails I sent to friends and family. This one is about my arrival.

After my arrival I discovered that my housing is actually at the
University of Paris. That in and of itself was thrilling to me. The
campus is beautiful and my room is more than I could have hoped for.
But what blessed me the most was that I was immediately befriended by
two of the residents, Yun from China and Hachim from Algeria. Yun
showed me the ropes ( God bless her!) and took me to the grocery
store. Later Hachim invited me to eat a home cooked dinner that he and
three other of his Algerian friends had cooked! They were surprised
and delighted that I am a fan of their countryman, the violinist
Djamel Ben Yelles, and I can't begin to tell you how much better and
more at home their hospitality made me feel. Who would have thought
that immediately upon my arrival I would be so embraced? Talk about
having your steps ordered.

This morning I had to go out and buy a few odds and ends to prepare my
meals with, so I ventured up where i knew there was a large immigrant
community and the shopping is cheap. I ended up wandering into the
largest open air market I have ever seen. The market was packed and
loud and beautiful. They sold everything from fresh fish to underwear
- but for me the most beautiful thing of course was the incredible
mixture of people from every race and nationality. A lot of Tunisians,
Algerians, Moroccans, Africans, etc ... And let me tell you, I have
really been enlightened on the scope of what is African Attire! But
this is the Paris that I love. The Champs Elysees and Eiffel Tower are
beautiful, but for me it is that Paris is such an international city,
and the immigrants here do not feel the pressure to assimilate. Here
the Africans wear their African attire all of the time.

Back Home?

I arrived back in the states last Friday.
After being gone for eight weeks, I find myself once again experiencing reverse culture shock.
The only thing I really missed about home was my sons and the ease of knowing how to function here. (Searching for something as simple as tissue in the middle of Paris when you have a cold and the need is immediate is frustrating to say the least)
But I miss the beauty of the architecture in Europe. The fabulous quality of everyday food. The cities dripping with flowers, and the extreme kindness of nearly everyone I met.

I'm already planning for next year . . .

Back to the Future

I know I haven't posted in a while, but if any of my "old friends" happen by my blog I wanted to let you know that I head out for my seven and a half week pilgrimage to Europe this Tuesday, June twelfth. I will be traveling extensively for three and a half of the weeks and spending four weeks taking intensive French classes at the Alliance Francaise in Paris. Please keep me in your prayers.

Another Proverbs Repost

I have added to my original Proverbs post from time to time, so I decided to repost it.

On a recent trip to the Oriental Institute of the University of Chicago I noticed that it seemed to be an ancient custom for fathers to write down proverbs for their sons. I thought this was pretty cool, so even though I am a single mother, I decided I would start to do the same for my sons. What follows is the beginning of my list. I hope to have more and will add them as they come to me.

1. The words that you speak about another person reveal more about what is in your own heart than it ever will about them.

2. Arrogance is the hubris of the deeply insecure.

3. Confidence is knowing what you have. Arrogance is acting like you have more of it than anyone else. Making others feel that way is obnoxious.

4. Anger doesn't need a reason, just a target.

5. In general, people don't decide they like or dislike you based on how they feel about you, but rather how they feel about themselves when they are around you. (this is not something that is always under your control)

6. If you do what you need to do when you need to do it, eventually you will be able to do what you want to do when you want to do it.

7. Empathy is not an abstract concept. You should have it, and people should feel that you have it.

8. Life is like a baseball game. There are those who step up to the plate and swing at the ball, and there are those who sit in the dugout and watch others play the game.

9. Look where you are going. Think like you are already there.

10. Stay away from people who consistently badmouth others. They have a way of separating you from the people you need the most.

11. Prayer saves time. Tithing saves money.

12. Human communication is an inexact science at best. Just because you heard what someone said, don't believe you necessarily heard what they meant.

13. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1) If we stay focused on things as they are and have been, it is unlikely that we will ever see them become as they can and should be.

14. One of the most revolutionary things you can do is to tell the truth, especially when it isn't easy and it isn't welcome.

15. The people who say the most aren't always the people who have the most to say.

16. Anyone who thinks they are incapable of being deceived already is.

17. Remember, the stone you throw today might just come crashing through your own window tomorrow.

18. Never allow your personal relationships to blind you to the screaming obvious and inhibit your ability to make sound decisions.

The Invited

After he had said this, Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified, " I tell you the truth, one of you is going to betray me." The disciples stared at one another, at a loss to know which one of them he meant."


Isn't it amazing? The disciples were at a loss to know which one of them would be Christ betrayer. After three years together, eating, sleeping, walking, performing miracles, and going through adversity - they didn't know who the betrayer was. In fact the word says, they were at a loss. There were no evil suspicions among them. Even more amazing was that Christ knew from before the moment he called Judas to his side that Judas was his betrayer, and yet his behavior towards Judas had never given the other eleven the slightest hint. Could we say the same? Do people know who we like and who we don't like? Do people know who your enemies are?

When I was a child, I was raised in a home that had the a very strange mix of attitudes on racism. My parents would always tell us racism was wrong and that everyone is equal. They would always tell us that they weren't prejudice and didn't discriminate, but as we rode along in the car when my mother would see the Arab and Indian students from the local university she would cry out things such as, "Look at those camel jockeys! Black as the ace of spades!" Things became even more confusing as I neared dating age. It became very clear that my parents lack of prejudice and discrimination did not extend to the arena of dating and marriage. The excuse was that even though it mattered not to them, they didn't want to see me go through the hardship of an interracial relationship in our society. I guess that's why my father threatened my life at the age of 14 for walking down the street with the African- American paper boy.

Regardless of the way I was raised, the lessons in selective racism never really quite took hold. I could never really understand why anyone would want to narrow the circle of whom they chose to love. But now as an adult I find that there are many more reasons for narrowing our circle than just race. Oh race can still be a factor, to be sure. But when we examine our individual lives and our circle of friends, what do we see? If we are blessed enough to have a variety of friends from different races, what other factors can we look at? Classism? Education? Age? Outlook? Social rank? Religion? Marital status? Do we have friends that we disagree with, or does everyone in our group think like us, talk like us, look like us, dress like us and act like us? When people meet us for the first time, how welcome do they feel in our presence? How immediately do they know if they will "fit" in with us and our friends? And how obvious is all of the above?

When Jesus said that one of the disciples would betray him, they were at a loss to know which one it would be. It could have been a very different scene, especially if Jesus had not been so utterly even handed in his treatment of the disciples. It could have read "then the disciples turned simultaneously and in one voice cried out, "Judas!" I thank God that didn't happen. And as I grow older I find that I am even more challenged in the choices that I make for friends and the way that I treat others. God's arms and hands are evenly extended, to everyone, period. And I am thinking that the more we grow to be like Him the less obvious it should be in my life whom I like and whom I don't like. I find that I am being challenged to broaden my circle. I'm being challenged not to close ranks, but to open them. And to open them in a childlike trust that even if my openness exposes me to hurt, betrayal, or what have you, my God is big enough to hold me in the midst of it all.
After all, my Savior and Lord didn't lock Judas out, He called him in. He didn't push him away, but embraced him. And even as Judas delivered the kiss of betrayal, Jesus called him friend.

The Invisibles

The other day I was flipping channels and hit one of those shows that I hate - it was probably "COPS", I'm not sure. I usually turn the channel as fast as possible because I just can't stand to see the way most of the people live who are on those shows. This time I stopped though. They had a drunk guy pinned to his bed in a trailer park and were asking him about beating his wife. They told him the neighbors had seen the whole thing. They went outside and his wife was sitting there, her face all bruised and swollen. She was drunk too. They began to question her and she denied he did anything to her, and defended his actions. The police told her, "Mam, the neighbors saw the whole thing. Are you defending him because he is on parole?" She told them that she had been drinking and didn't want to leave the bar and he had to force her to come home and was trying to force her into the trailer. I sat there and thought about that show and the reason I always turn the channel - because I can't stand to see the way so many people live. And I started to cry. These are people's real lives.

How long are we going to keep flipping the channel?

There is a liquor store directly north of our house on 87th street. As a result there is usually a group of men hanging about. Usually a group of drunk men. When I walk to the church I have to walk through them. I used to resent this. They set out milk crates. I have to step around and over their garbage and broken bottles.They have never bothered me. In Fact they are excessively polite and call me "Mam". A while ago I began to feel my resentment change. They made me think about my grandfather and my uncles. When I would walk by they began to tug at my heart. Now that tug is an all out ache. Now I find that although I hurt over their predicament, I am grateful for their presence. It is the only thing that keeps me from becoming a good church person.

How long are we going to keep stepping around and over them on our way to church?

Favorites

" The mystery of heaven is that we are all God's favorite."
Jason Upton

18 "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

Sometimes we make a big mistake of trying to hold things all together. We look around at what's going on in our lives and it looks to us as if things are falling apart and we panic and we try to run around and run around and run around trying to hold things together, when God is the one who is shaking them apart. He's shaking it apart so that He can rebuild, and when He rebuilds, He's going to rebuild it right. Sometimes, when we see things that are falling apart in our lives we need to just step back and let them. God is clearing out the rubble to rebuild.

Daddy's Little Girl

I know I haven’t posted in a while.

I’ve been taking a math class that is hell on wheels this quarter. Thank God for Pass/Fail options.

But this morning something happened. Completely unexpected.

I was having a conversation with a close friend. She revealed to me that her father, a PK and oldest of six children was beaten on a regular basis by his father. His father was also the one who taught him about God. She said he was the only child of six who was beaten and that his father usually tied the reasoning to something spiritually lacking in him.

I made the comment that the other children, having seen what he went through, probably did their best to fall in line. After all, when I was a child I had an older sister who fought constantly with my parents over everything. I, on the other hand, gave in, all the time, even when it wasn’t healthy for me. Even when it was damaging. I told my friend it was my effort to appease them.

And then I stopped.

And as the light bulb went on in my brain I couldn’t help but mouth what I was thinking.

I said, “I’m 42 years old and I still do the same thing. Oh my God! I’m 42 years old and I’m still doing the same thing!”

The really horrible thing was what I couldn’t admit to my friend. Deep down inside, I wasn’t really trying to appease my parents. I was trying to make them love me.

This may sound a little corny, but at that moment, I finally realized that when people are incapable of loving you for your intrinsic value as a human being, there is nothing in the world you can do, buy, be or say to change that. And the longer it takes you to realize that, the more of your life you will waste trying to win over the people who can never really love you, instead of appreciating the people God put in your life who already do.

"I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot
nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood,
more vengeance, more desolation.
War is hell."

General William Tecumseh Sherman